I Don't Want to Live Without You: Jensen's Hell
by Dr. Sexy M.D
Summary: J2! Deals with how Jensen felt when he had to pretend that Jared was dead for AHBL part 2. Very emotional. Couldn't resist writing this.  *1st part of this series!


Jensen's Hell

That scene was so emotional for him. For Jensen, sitting there and reminiscing about his – well, Dean's really - life with Sam and how he'd messed up…those moments that lead up to him selling his soul in order to bring his brother back…and having to say those words with Jared laying there and pretending to be dead…looking so very much like it was true…that was the hardest moment for Jensen to date.

Jensen loved this man. He loved Jared with all of his heart. He had loved him since he first laid eyes on him; since the Pilot. Since that first moment when Jensen had walked into Jared's trailer and Jared had looked up at him with a goofy smile on his face – and a mouth full of candy – and said "hey man." Though Jared's mouth was full and his words were jumbled and incoherent, Jensen knew what he was saying; Jensen understood…Jensen always understood. Then Jared had swallowed and put his hand out, "You want some candy?" That was it for Jensen. The way Jared had always looked at him, like he idolized him…like he was the most important person in the world...made Jensen realize that Jared was it for him.

Their relationship had been a secret. They'd fought it at first; neither one of them wanting to admit their feelings to the other. Neither of them were gay, so they both thought their instant friend would hate them or be creeped out by them. But, when it had finally come out…after a few tequilas and some vodka…they realized that they were both feeling the same way. That had been the turning point for them. Jared and Jensen had been inseparable from that point on, though they weren't really open about their status. To the world – and the rest of the crew – they were just best friends, but they both knew it was so much more than that.

Jensen's scene had been horrendously emotional and heartfelt. It wasn't that hard for him to get into the place he needed to be. All Jensen had to think about was what he would feel like if Jared really were dead on that table…but try to look manly about it. He knew his lines and he knew the pain that Dean would feel, but he had to get there; he put himself into the situation and worked on what he was feeling.

It wasn't surprising that the scene came off perfectly in almost the first take. Jensen delivered like the pro that he was, but when the scene was all over…and the director had yelled cut…Jensen couldn't stop crying. Suddenly, when he no longer had lines to say…words that kept him grounded to Dean and the show…he completely lost it.

Jared wasn't acting anymore; he didn't have to lay there and play dead, so he got up and moved to his lover. "Jen…shh…it's okay now." He held on to Jensen's arm and looked into his eyes, trying to get Jensen's body to understand that this wasn't real, but Jensen wouldn't stop shaking and crying. Jared looked over at the crew behind them, "We're gonna take a walk."

They didn't argue, they understood how difficult a scene this was to do. They just gave the two actors their space so that Jared could hopefully get Jensen to walk this off and get back to his own reality, where everything was alright and nobody was dead.

Once they were off the set and outside, Jensen gripped onto Jared so hard that Jared thought he might have a few broken ribs. "Jared." He whined, breathing in Jared's scent. His knees were wobbly and he could barely support his own weight, so Jared held him up, held his body against his own.

"You're okay, Jen. It's okay, baby, I'm fine. It was just a scene."

Jensen nodded, "Just felt so real. And you were just lying there…you…shit." He sniffled a few times and Jared felt his heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

"I can only imagine how hard that must've been, but you know it was just a scene. Sam died, not me. It's okay, Jen, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

"Love you so fucking much, Jare." Jensen said, his mouth all over Jared's neck and jaw. He just wanted to touch, to love Jared so badly that it was killing him.

Jared tightened his grip on his lover, "Hey, you wanna go back to my trailer for a little bit?"

Jensen nodded, "Please."

So that's what they did. They went back to Jared's trailer and Jared got Jensen some water and a protein bar. "Here, you need to keep your strength up. Also don't want to get dehydrated."

Jensen took whatever Jared was giving him. "Thanks."

Jared sat down beside him on the couch and turned to look at him, "What do I need to do to prove to you that I'm here and everything's okay?"

Jensen's eyes were instantly on him, and all over him. "Make love to me, Jare, please."

"Okay, baby." Jared said, pulling Jensen's face toward his so that he could kiss him lovingly, romantically. "You're so beautiful, Jen."

Jensen blushed through a smile, "You're more beautiful."

Jared snorted, "No fucking way."

Jensen huffed, but just pulled Jared closer to him. He couldn't get the gigantic man close enough to him. He just wanted Jared as close as possible…he couldn't wait for Jared to be inside of him.

Jared's hand went to Jensen's cock, feeling it harden considerably in his hand. He smiled, "Such a cockslut for me, Jenny."

He hated that nickname, but he wasn't about to say anything in that moment. He didn't want to do anything to risk losing this. "Please."

"Okay, shhh."

They found themselves undressing without even realizing. Their mouths were still pressed together in a hot, wet, searing kiss. The kiss was everything; it was hot as hell, romantic and needy. Jared expressed his undying love for Jensen and tried to give him that comfort that he needed.

When their garments were shed, Jared found his bottle of lube and lubed up his fingers. He very slowly pressed a finger to Jensen's tight opening, feeling both of their heart rates spike. When he started to press his finger in he couldn't stand how amazing it was to watch Jensen's hungry ass tightly gripping and sucking at his finger.

Soon Jared added a second finger and then a third. He went very slowly, very romantically. This wasn't the kind of sex that you have because you're both horny as fuck. This wasn't the hot and dirty kind of sex; this was healing, loving, romantic sex. This was about making love. This was about Jared comforting Jensen in the best way he knew how. So, he was very gentle, very slow. He peppered Jensen with kisses and whispered sweet things to him as he opened him up, scissoring his fingers and stretching that hole so that he could fit himself in there.

"Want you inside of me, Jare. Want to feel you." Jensen needed this. He needed to feel the evidence that Jared was really there with him, that everything was okay…that nothing had changed.

"Okay." Jared wasn't about to deny him what they both wanted, so he lubed himself up and lined up at Jensen's entrance. He pressed in slowly, trying desperately not to cause Jensen any pain or discomfort at all.

Jensen sighed as Jared slid himself in there. The slight stretching and burning sensation were familiar, they were safe…they were like home for him. Sure, many times he topped, but it was different than being the bottom…it was different than being vulnerable and at someone else's mercy. Jared was the only man that Jensen would ever let have him like this…ever.

Jensen's face was buried in the crook of Jared's neck and he gasped as Jared slid all the way in to the base, his balls bouncing against Jensen's ass. He breathed in Jared's familiar musk and felt incredibly safe and loved there. "Yes Jared, feels good."

"You like that Jen?"

"Oh yeah." Jensen began to buck his hips, pressing his ass even closer to Jared, trying to get Jared as deeply into his body as he possibly could.

They caressed each other, they held onto each other and they declared their love for each other…over and over again. It was the most incredible lovemaking session they had ever shared. It was passionate, it was hot and it was romantic.

"Please!" Jensen begged when he needed his release.

"What do you need?"

"Touch me, please."

Jared nodded and wrapped his hand around Jensen's reddened flesh. It was velvety soft, but hard as a rock. "So beautiful." His big hand swallowed up Jensen's cock, milking it, pumping it with all that he had.

Jensen's release hit him so hard. He gripped onto Jared like he was a life raft, tossed his head back and arched his back as he shot his load into Jared's hand and on his own stomach. "Ngh! Yes, Jared!"

The way that Jensen was clenching and writhing on him brought on Jared's orgasm. Jared grunted and dug his hands into Jensen's hips as he spilled his hot seed into Jensen's tight ass. "Love you so fucking much, Jensen. Not going anywhere. Never going to leave you."

Jensen sighed, kissing lightly over Jared's face, "Gonna love you forever, Jare. The thought of losing you just makes me so crazy…makes me feel like I'm in hell."

"Shhh, baby." Jared said, rubbing soothing circles over Jensen's back. "Everything's fine. Things are like they always are, nothing's wrong."

Jensen nuzzled up against the love of his life and felt the pain drift away as he realized that Jared was still alive, still buzzing against him…hell, his spent dick was still in his ass. It was exactly what Jensen needed in order to come out of this emotional rollercoaster that he called Dean's life. He hugged Jared close and promised him the world as he began to smile and realize that everything really was going to be alright.


End file.
